After 96 years of being her delightful self, my Grambie passed away on Saturday. I had the chance to say goodbye over the phone, though she wasn’t responsive. It was her time, no doubt about it, but despite all the mental prep it hit hard. I leave in the morning to go celebrate and remember her with my family, and I’m looking forward to spending time with them despite the reason.
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Hibernation
It’s been rather quiet around here, both in life and in blogland. I lost my words awhile back, and haven’t really found them yet. I battled some kind of throat/tongue infection for the last week of December that was extremely painful and cost me more pounds than I had to lose. It didn’t eat my tongue away, but it put a hole in my heart that let out a lot of stuff that I did have to lose. Repressed feelings … anger, disappointment, a good dose of grief … it all came bubbling up to the surface from whatever holes I’d stuffed it down into.
Read MoreWhat We've Lost
Yesterday’s shootings in CT have left me chilled, heartsick, and quiet. Breaking the silence to share a few things that I think we’ve lost as a nation, beyond the tragedy of the lives that were taken, a pool of grief and sorrow that I can’t begin to fathom. I only feel it’s slippery edges.
We’ve lost our ability to hope, and most of our trust. We grab at it in bits and pieces, but the fabric has become threadbare and full of gaping wounds. We hope that the government will fix it, or laws will curb it, but we look for somewhere to put the blame. We’ve lost the ability to filter our inputs, both physical and emotional, and it’s suffocating us. We’ve lost sight of forgiveness. We’ve lost our ability to look at wrongs without thinking of revenge and payback. We’ve stopped assuming personal responsibility for our lives. We’ve lost the ability to lift each other up, day after day, without a tragedy to wake us up, and that briefly. Why does it take a Sandy or a Newtown to make us look each other in the eye, and hold each other’s fragile hearts? Without love, we are empty. Without hope, we are lost. Without faith, we have no vision.
Invisible
It was the phone call this afternoon that tipped the balance. A simple call to Verizon, to ask if the payment I’d scheduled for next week was going to prevent their threatened suspension of service. Been there before, and yes I get touchy when finances are tight, but it always works out. I had to wait through their menu 3 times before my “0” would get me an actual human, but I was connected right away. Gave my name, and he looked me up, but when I tried to answer his second question, he suddenly couldn’t hear me. At all. I could hear him clearly, but he obviously heard nothing. I hollered to no avail, and he hung up after saying it was due to a bad connection.
Catbirds, smoky cellos, and life in the slow lane
When I started homeschooling, I was told that I’d be likely to confront my own issues at an unprecedented level. While the idea seemed strange to me, it’s proved very true. Moving to the woods made me suspect the same thing would happen, and while I’ve not been caught off guard this time, it’s certainly not any easier.
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A day in the life, the new-ish life that is
Not all pics are from today, this was a sunset last week some time …
The alarm went off at 4:30 this morning, and as usual it was a brutal up-rising … car to warm up, food and sundries to throw at M as he packed his bag, jackets to find, and warm sleepy boys to drag out of bed and into the car. It’s Monday, and that means time to send Dad back into the city for the week. He has to catch at train at 6am to get into Manhattan for 9am, and the drive to the station is about 40 minutes. By the time he’d run back into the house for his phone and charger, we got on the road, crept over the bridge, and raced down hwy 97 entirely too fast (IMHO) for the fog and dark and lurking deer. I munched cold granola and started to fall asleep, trying not to wake up completely but knowing it was a losing battle.
Home, yes, it's home already ...
What a week! Today marks the first full week in our new place, and it’s been a crazy whirlwind. I still don’t have my real voice back, perhaps the husky raspy thing goes along with plaid jackets and chopping wood? Not sure, but it’s here for now. I’m slowly recovering my sleep and general energy, but trying to take it easy. I curled up on the couch today with a book, rather than unpack a few of the lingering boxes. They’ll keep :).
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Moving Day ...
Newer pics are on the camera, no time to download. The above shot was from last weekend, heading out the Holland Tunnel one more time. Goodbye’s said, as much as they can be, and there are many more that will be missed. Some whispered ones, as I lost my voice yesterday thanks to a trashed immune system, no sleep, a raging cold, and a fun but oh so not on the schedule trip to the fabulous Maker Faire. No regrets :)
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Get Home Safe
The days march, the apartment echoes, the tears well up. It’s my last week in Brooklyn, and I’m alternately excited and devastated. Saying goodbye is never easy, especially when it’s a place you feel so incredibly at home in.
Address Found
We have a place, at last! Major relief, and I can’t argue with a front yard like this. I really can’t. So thankful for it. The house is tiny but perfect, and has a studio out back which makes it even better. Packing is crazy-making but good, and my sis has come to help and I think I’d have gone ballistic if she hadn’t. Getting kids to pack/purge their stuff? Not for the faint of heart. I hope we all survive. The lego armada has yet to be tackled, but I’m leaving it till last. And books, how on earth did we get this many? Getting rid of lots, but there are many many more where they came from.
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Packing up, oh the joys ...
It gets worse before it gets better, right? This is Fynn’s idea of how to sort his drawings … really helps you feel like you’re making progress. It always seems like the point at which the papers and legos are scattered the farthest is when the landlord calls to say the realtor will be through in 2 hours with another possible tenant who wants to see the apartment. I go on a crazy cleanup binge so that they can at least walk from one end of the house to the other without breaking an ankle, but it starts to get a bit old.
Won't you meet my neighbor?
Eugene, my neighbor of 9 years, turned 92 last week. He’s the oldest of the old-timers around here, and I’m sad to say I didn’t really meet him until about 18 months ago. You see, he’s lived in the house next door for over 70 years, and in this neighborhood his entire life, and he’s not forgotten a thing. I can’t really think about the 7 years I didn’t know him, and just enjoy every minute I get to sit on his porch and listen to his stories. He has no end of them, that’s for sure.
life moves forward ...
… even though I have nothing more resolved than the last time i posted!
what i’ve been up to though …
block parties enjoyed to the hilt …
learning to get comfortable with uncertainty...
Nothing quite screams “neglected blog!” like an outdated banner, does it? Well, that point is remedied, and it alone should give you a small glimpse into my state of mind. The last month has been a whirlwind, and it shows little sign of settling down.
he's off again, and so are we ...
he’s packed for camp, and leaves in the morning for 3.5 weeks. we all know now how it’s going to feel, so he’s beyond giddy, and i’m a little quiet. it will be good. we haven’t been able to savor summer together yet as we’ve been on the go so much, i haven’t once managed to take them to the pool down the street, though i hope to manage that with at least Fynn in the next few weeks. it’s just not that kind of summer
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zapped, but recovering
it’s been a crazy few weeks, and i’m just now surfacing to face everyday life again. sort of :). there have been trips, and we leave for another brief one tomorrow. this summer seems crazier than any i can remember, but that’s probably because a move is imminent and we’re not exactly sure yet where we’re going. we’ve narrowed it down considerably though, and that helps tremendously. i don’t feel quite so lost and adrift.
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Happiness Tuesday ... joining the fray
I always enjoy Bridget’s Happiness Tuesday posts, and so here is one of my own.
Happiness is lazy, sunny mornings.
the boys of summer, and where's my margarita again?
The sprinklers are on, the heat is here, and school is out … how’s your summer going so far? We’re in the thick of trips and playdates and visitors and parties, and it feels good but a little crazy. I’m looking forward to things settling down a bit, but honestly it doesn’t look much like it’s going to for awhile.
What were your summers like as a kid? I remember long days of games and the backyard pool and firefly catching. Books too, lots of books. Speaking of which, if you haven’t checked out Bridget’s new book On a Hot August Afternoon yet, please do. It’s a great summer read, and as she points out in a recent blog post, one of the central themes is assumptions. How we make them all the time, and yet really have no idea what the whole story is. It really relates to parenting and relationships, and how we tend to judge or jump to conclusions when it’s the last thing we’d want someone to do to us.
Changing Seasons
Change is on the march, whether I like it or not. It’s rising, and I can see it, feel it, and taste it. It’s not just saying goodbye (yet again) to another piece of my grandma, though her hands were still warm in mine. It’s not just planning to leave the city either, though that’s a big part of it too. It just feels like the earth is shifting a bit, and we’re all scrambling to find our footing. Or maybe it’s just me.
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heading east again
The computer is the last thing to be packed up, and I’m sneaking in a quick post before the boys bolt for the dock again, instead of getting in the car. We’re heading back East this afternoon, but taking it in a couple of stages to visit more family on the way back.