I hiked over to BAM a couple of nights ago, and saw the movie The Young Victoria. I enjoyed it, though I found it remarkably straight-up for BAM’s typical fare (they’re definitely an art house) and it didn’t particularly touch me. (Yes, that means I didn’t cry. Don’t ask why I dripped a little at the end of The Princess and the Frog last weekend, I honestly can’t remember though I’m sure I had a valid reason.) What DID touch me was the preview sequence that showcased a lot of BAM’s theatre offerings. The amount of raw self expression that dripped off the screen in those couple of minutes was enough to ooze up the aisle and into my heart. For the first time in my life, I had a craving to act.
I’m not an actress, unless you count my ability to control my natural reactions to things to the point of hiding my true feelings most of the time. Acting, yes, but not ACTING if you know what I mean. It’s the opposite of self-expression, it’s self-hiding. And I’m very very good at it :). Some of my abilities (thank God!) have slipped a bit since I’ve had kids, and I’m far more apt now to be honest about my feelings than I used to be. This is a very good thing. I think the sudden desire to ACT in a highly expressive and dramatic way (like some of these shows) is cropping up because I’ve hit a point where I’m digging up some long-buried emotions and finding that they need an outlet. I’m lacking in experience enough that I’m not quite sure exactly which outlet to use.
I tried writing. Creative, expressive, raw writing. It worked wonders in the emotive department, and I’d love to do more, but it seems to be tied to a muse that I have yet to pin down very firmly. I keep hoping she’ll show up again, but not much luck in the last week. I don’t sing, I don’t dance, I don’t dress wildly, I don’t paint or draw or compose. And no, I don’t act. But something’s got to give, and I have to find a way to vent feelings with wild abandon, or I’m likely to be overrun by them. I already yell too much. Zumba does come to mind, and a friend challenged me last year to try it, which I failed to do. I may have to look that up. Running takes the edges off, but it’s certainly NOT expressive. Any other ideas?
How do you express your self? When you’re all steamed up and need to let it fly, what do you do?