What's your favorite method?
Assuming all human beings have some way of sabotaging their life, or holding themselves back, what would be your favorite method?
a) Procrastination
b) Indecisiveness
c) Following secondary goals (i.e. goals that won't ultimately make you happy)
d) Tolerating
e) Not saying "Yes"
f) Not saying "No"
g) Not always telling the absolute truth
h) Acting as the "Lone Ranger"
i) Arrogance/The Need to be Right
j) Perfectionism
k) Controlling life/people
l) Other _____________
I ask this question on a coaching questionnaire occasionally, and believe it's based on a true premise ... we DO all hold ourselves back in one way or another. What's your weapon of choice? I have to admit that my self-sabotage method is most often answer (k) ... the attempt to control life and sometimes people. While it rarely works for me, I still default into the mode where I feel the need to have everything under control. I end up losing the enjoyment of many situations because I'm not going with the flow, but fighting upstream.
Most of these methods of self-sabotage are ways of avoiding the issue. It can be incredibly difficult to look something in the face, and see it and acknowledge it for what it is. Is the goal, project, or person a daunting one? Some of the methods are about controlling the situation. The more we take on, control, or do ourselves, the more we lose the beauty that is teamwork. We decide that we alone can handle the situation, and that involvement or help from others is just too problematic. We sabotage by isolation.
In almost every case I've seen, our self-sabotage comes from a deep-seated fear. We may not even be aware of it, but it guides many of our actions. Common ones are fear of success, fear of failure, or the fear of "looking bad". We put things off, fill up our time with less-important tasks, act like a martyr and take on more than we can handle, or stay focused on side issues so we can't look at or deal with the major ones. Pretty easy, and also pretty unfulfilling!
The more we self-sabotage, the more we forget that there's any other way to be. Sometimes it takes someone pointing out the behavior to us, or a difficult situation where we see our actions in an extreme light. Sometimes it takes a coach or therapist to dig out the root fear if we have it particularly well buried. What happens when we do finally look at what we're avoiding? It's NEVER as horrible or daunting as we imagined!
Say what you're doing to sabotage yourself. Say it out loud, write it down, and tell someone you trust.
Acknowledge the cost of the sabotage. What are you missing out on? Losing? Avoiding?
Name the root fear, if you can see it. Acknowledge that it's a fear, not reality. Look at the worst-case-scenario. "If I'm successful, then ... " or whatever your fear is. Again, out loud or on paper is key.
Chances are, just the naming of the thing is half the battle, and you'll be much more aware of what you're choosing to do and why. I tend to avoid writing this newsletter, as I find it a real challenge. Every time I sit down to do it at the computer, I have to acknowledge that I'd rather blog surf or read e-mail (classic avoidance), and then I shut down my browser and Outlook until the thing is written. Try making deals with yourself that you won't do X until you've completed Y. You do it with young kids, don't you? Still works with us as adults, and my joy in the half hour of internet-wandering once my newsletter is published is JUST as intense as my son's delight over his dessert when his supper plate is cleaned. We really are that simple sometimes!