Giving Yourself the Gift of Permission
After feeling guilty about not getting this newsletter out when I wanted to, I finally sat down to write it today. I slogged through a topic that kept getting harder and harder to write. The phone rang, temporarily relieving me of my frustration. It was a client, wanting to talk about pushing back a deadline she’d set for herself. A few minutes on the phone, and she accepted the change she’d made as a good one, knowing it would keep her and her family sane in the long run. She was looking for permission, and was able to give it ... to herself.
I’ve been struck in the last few months by how many of my clients, mostly moms, find it incredibly difficult to slow down, step back, and take breaks for themselves. Spend time and money and energy ... on something personal. We spend much of our time setting boundaries and giving permission (or not) to our kids, and telling our friends “It’s OK, give yourself a break ...” but we find it so hard to give ourselves that relief.
Why is it so easy to grant permission to others, but not to ourselves? Sometimes we feel guilty, like it’s a luxury we can’t afford. Self-care and development are often not a top priority, so it rarely gets attended to. Then there are the fears we hang onto, and aren’t always aware of: fear of success, fear of cheating our kids and family out of something, fear of not being ‘interesting’ enough to hang out with ... the list goes on. It’s much easier to hang onto the fear than it is to change our behavior!
Another common hangup is that permission is almost always a two-way deal ... when you give yourself permission to DO something, you’re probably also getting a ticket to NOT do something else. It’s the “not” half of the equation that stumbles most of us. Several clients lately have been given the task of saying, out loud, that they give themselves permission to “take a break from X,” and it’s been a real struggle to get the words out in every case. Permission to back off, slow down, cross off the list, or change gears. The key, as it often is, is to say it out loud; preferably to a supportive audience, at least the first time around. Permission granted! The relief is palpable, and well worth getting.